Sue and Sylvie

SCENE 1 INT. LOUNGE BREAKFAST
(SYLVIE)

SYLVIE DAKOTA (79), MOTHER HEN, IS SAT WATCHING BREAKFAST TV. THE HOUSE PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS.

SYLVIE
‘Ello, oh hiya… ‘Ang on Pru… That’s better… He’s Bate’s… He’s what? Chuff no! How? I knew it… That’s two with my Hal… Yeah, alright…
(Puts down receiver)

CUT TO:

SCENE 2 INT. KITCHEN BREAKFAST
(SUE, SYLVIE, PAM)

SYLVIE ENTERS KITCHEN SMOKING, AND SITS AT KITCHEN TABLE. ENTER SUE CARLING (50), ALCOHOLIC PRODIGAL DAUGHTER, BRINGING
LUGGAGE.

SUE
Brew up mam, ‘sup with your mug? Go on what have I done this time?

SYLVIE BURSTS INTO TEARS

SUE (CONT’D)
Sh… Mam, you alright? Leave them, I’ll get em.

SYLVIE
Selwyn’s dead, Pru just called… She wanted to stop his milk.

SUE
What she ring here for then?

SYLVIE
This sin’t a joke Susan, your uncle’s dead… I only lost your dad last week… I’ll be next.

SUE
He weren’t me dad… Pass us the milk.

SYLVIE
I were sat watching the box, that queer fellah were on… Missionary Impossible?

SUE
Bill Turnbull?

SYLVIE
How dare… No the physicsologist… Tom Cruise.

SUE
From Cocktail? He can’t be queer, he’s gorgeous.

SYLVIE
Only short though.

SUE
Who knows?

SYLVIE
Every bloody one… You’ve only to look at the bugger

SUE
About Uncle Selwyn mam, who’s heard?

SYLVIE
Right, sorry… Me, you… I expect she’s been on the blower to Norma at the dairy by now. Two pints she said he had in the fridgeshe’ll be wanting sommet back on them.

SUE
Our Pru will, aye.

SYLVIE
He were meant to take us up town today… Your dad’s money, y’kow?

SUE
I’ll come with ya, we’ll get a cab.

SYLVIE
I should ring the boys, he were their uncle too… Did I tell ya he fell down the stairs? Pru said she could smell drink.

SUE
Hal never was me dad, I wish you wouldn’t/

SYLVIE
That’s rich… I seen him slip you a note and you’re like
(Mimics child’s voice)
Ta dad, love you.

SUE
Yeah well… Isn’t death supposed to come in three’s?

SYLVIE
Behave… You said that about Graham Chapman, Salavador Dali and Alan flaming Bradley.

SUE
Eh mam, How’s fat Elvis?

SYLVIE
He’s grand, whizzed past me outside Sunny and Shears on his new moped the other/

SUE
Moped? Did he have a basket?

SYLVIE
Course it did.

SUE
That’s a piggin’ mobility scooter.

SYLVIE
Aye laugh it up… Y’now, when i were your age I never thought I’d be twice widowed, funny life.

SUE
Blimey, poor me, poor me, poor me another.

SYLVIE
With a layabout piss-head for a daughter. There’ll be no drink in this house. Not a drop has passed my lips since ninety seven, when our Di hit the lamp post outside the Whiteash.

ENTER PAM PAGONIS (79), CRASS NEIGHBOUR, THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

PAM
Flamin’ Nora…

SUE
Right back at ya Pam.

PAM
Sorry Sue, I didn’t mean owt by that, Sylv’ you never said…

SYLVIE
I didn’t know.

SUE
Mam’s had a bit of a shock…

PAM
That’s why I’m here.

SUE
Mam, you never said/

PAM
Midnight I were readyin’ them bins. Giorgios jus’ said they’re not comin’ now till bastard Wednesday. I seen yours out, and figured I best say sommet.

SYLVIE
No, Pam… Our Selwyn’s dead, kicked the bucket last night, and fell down the chuffin’ stairs. Pru found him this morning, naked, ‘cept for his socks.

SUE
Why’d he have a bucket on his landing?

PAM
Susan, Chrissakes… Has she stopped his milk?

SYLVIE
She was just gonna ring Norma/

PAM
Good, good. Bastards they are there. They’d still be billing him well after he’s worms food.

SUE
Pissed up he was.

PAM
Mind ya language Susan… Mind he didn’t halF knock the feckers back.

SYLVIE
There were an empty bottle on the sideboard.

PAM
Jeez, after all you’ve been through this week… Selfish git.

SUE
Excuse me?

PAM
What, he can’t ruddy hear me can he? And it’s flamin’ true. He were taking your mam t’town this mornin’.

SUE
Yeah?

PAM
And the bugger knocked back a bottle on his billy self last night.

SUE
Shit, mam… He’d have killed ya both/

PAM
An’ me, I was taxing a lift to the market. I was meant to open up for him this morning. Our Benny’s done it now, let’s just say Giorgios needed me at home this morning.

SUE
Chrissakes woman.

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